stay silence

words are in fact very powerful especially words that came out from one without filtration. those words came out so fast and straight forward that they actually hurt someone or anyone. *sigh.... me again i'm talking about here. sometimes i just couldnt control myself especially when i got so comfortable with my close/ good friends that whatever we felt like saying, we just said it without much considerations. we critized each other 'kao kao' and all we had were laughters cause we knew we were joking, we wouldn't mind and its for our own good.

it was not a bad thing until i brought that attitude back to my campus and hostel. the first week itself when i got back after raya break, i made my friend/ex-roommate cried. we were talking and joking around until a part where i pointed out smtg about her, the whole conversations went not right. please...they knew how straight forward i was and besides she was nicely joking with me and moreover she was my roommate, i assumed she should at least knew me a little more than others but hell NO. those listenning to the conversations knew i was telling the truth but the way i spoke it was quite harsh to her cause i didnt feel its harsh. moreover because all these while no one ever commented her so she took it for granted and now i spoke it out which caused the thing to become worse. its so true that 'siapa makan cili, dia terasa pedasnya'.

when i realised i should kept my mouth shut, i knew its oo-oh,damn. i nicely apologized to her but she ignored me. ah, whatever. later when i off for training, she cried in the office. during training, my coach mentioned to my platoon of her crying and asked whoever that made her cried to comfort her. i was like what da! i am so not going to do so. its not my fault and besides i apologized. in her dream to want me to comfort her. then during lunch, the case was mentioned again by my officer. she asked me to say smtg nice and comfort her. i was again like hah, boleh blah!

you may think whats the big problem to go and comfort her and get the mess cleared. ego? it had nothing or maybe a little to do with my ego. but one, i apologized because i knew she couldnt accept my words. two, what i said was true thats why she cried because she felt bad. three, when asked for reason of her crying, she only explained half. she didnt tell the whole damn thing. and four, its not my fault totally. and so i decided to just ignored the whole incident.

i thought it only happened to not close friend but *sigh, best friend pun terasa. speechless.

so, you only want me to say words that you like to hear and not words that what i feel???

i know that the whole main point here is to think before i speak, construct and reconstruct my sentences or convey it in a better way but i tel you, if i think i wont speak it out anymore.

i understand that different people have different sensitivities. but too bad i only realise it when it occur. i'm sorry that comforting is hard for me especially when its set in my mind that its not fault and not feeling guilty. i dont expect people to change or accept my style. so i control myself but neither do i can change in a short time. in the meantime, just keep my mouth shut, ignore everything and be cool.